It’s not about blame or fault finding, our psych told us yesterday. It’s about consequences. And how some of our daughter’s current problems could be a consequence of how we’ve been for the past ten months. It wasn’t a conversation we wanted to have because what we hear is that it’s our fault. And it isn’t, honest it isn’t. We’ve done as much as we can to protect her from the worst of our batshitness, to not pass on our anxieties, rituals and obsessions, our struggles with food, our lack of care for ourself. We blame her early life experiences, if we blame anything at all. Is it our fault that she went through so much in such a short space of time when she was young? Kind of. She didn’t grieve for the six relatives we lost in a year because she was too young to know how to and I had no example to set. Is that our fault? Kind of, but it isn’t our fault that we didn’t know how to grieve either. She bounced through three house moves and a spell in homeless accommodation in the space of just five months because she was too young to really grasp what was happening. When we discussed homelessness with her for a school assignment recently she said she thought we were “on holiday”. Are the moves our fault? Only if ending up a single parent is our fault – and if we’re apportioning blame it wasn’t us who walked away. She coped with her dad and I separating and then divorcing remarkably well. We had already picked ourselves up, busy with finding somewhere to live and boxing up our emotions along with our possessions. And she did the same – she knew no different. Is that our fault? We didn’t have time to fall apart and at three years old she didn’t need to know the big picture. All of these things happened over one year, from the end of 2005 to the end of 2006. And yet. Her current issues are probably a consequence of all those things, and my batshitness too. Even after typing all this we still hear that it’s our fault, that we’re to blame. And we still don’t want to have that conversation.