I wrote yesterday that I didn’t think I would make it to my psych appointment. I was wrong. I wrote a letter explaining that we seem to be on different pages, and set off with the intention of merely handing it over and leaving. I decided to stay while she read it, and ultimately stayed for the full appointment.
I explained, or tried to, that I can see the value of the long term work she wants to do, while also saying that what I am currently bringing to the table is anxiety and I need her help to tackle it. Regardless of the cause, it is my main focus at the moment. That isn’t to be dismissive of my parts, but to say I need to look at whatever is causing the anxiety so I can get a handle on it – if it’s this me or a part makes no difference to how I experience it. That also isn’t dismissing the longer term trauma work, but rather then stepping over the anxiety I know we need to focus on it. I have been, but felt my psych wasn’t.
My psych went over some old ground, reassuring me that she believes me – this has been a big concern of late – and also saying that some days will be better than others in terms of anxiety. When I repeated that I have to constantly keep pushing myself she asked where that comes from. The answer was not what she expected – it comes from other professionals who have previously made it clear that I must show I am trying, must engage, must be motivated, or face discharge. My psych reassured me on that too.
I left feeling like we are back on the same page, which is a good start, and a lot more positive about next week’s appointment. The effort to get out the house continues as does slowly increasing my food intake – I’m not expecting a magic wand so I’ll keep doing the groundwork. I also – thanks to someone on Twitter for the prod – need to work on acceptance of my parts, my system, my kind-of-diagnosis, and I have things in place to do that too as well as an appointment with my CPN tomorrow.
My goal for next week, as always, is to turn up.