I was tempted, in a moment of not thinking straight last week, to walk away from therapy. However, as just the thought of attending my appointment next week triggers my anxiety, I have found my thoughts returning again to walking away.
Without therapy I wouldn’t have the pressure of attending appointments, and the self-blame when they don’t go well. I wouldn’t have to fear my psych not believing me and being discharged before, long before, I’m ready. I could continue my slow stroll towards recovery at my own pace, with less pressure, when I’m ready. There isn’t much I can’t get online nowadays, leaving the house is much less essential than it once was.
And yet, while the thought of not going back to therapy calms my anxiety, I also know that would be giving up. I question my ability to fix myself – I haven’t managed it yet – and worry that I would be permanently closing the door to help I am nowhere near ready to lose. Without therapy I wouldn’t have access to the one person who can normally pick up my pieces and put me back together. And, as I’ve said before, without therapy I wouldn’t have made it this far so the chances of making it further are pretty slim.
What I do know, with absolute certainty, is that I am running out of the energy I need to keep fighting the anxiety – especially at appointments – on top of everything else. So maybe it is time to step away from therapy, time to call it a day.