My main concern, I told my CPN on Thursday as I hitched my jeans up, is food. My bland diet is neither healthy nor sufficient and I have somehow gone from my normal eating, or not eating, to a list of ‘safe’ foods which I struggle to deviate from.
I have tried, I told her, and I have. I’ve added different foods but because the safe food list isn’t mine it just leads to an increase in head noise. As I explained to her, there is a limit to how much I can wobble off centre when it’s the school holidays and I am in sole charge of my daughter.
My CPN suggested that rather than needing to understand the safe food list I just need to eat. And I truly wish I could. I mean, there is nothing stopping me from cooking myself a meal. Except I have to parent. I cannot be more mentally unwell than I already am.
Yesterday I mentioned it to my psych and she observed I’ve lost weight, which I already know – the trousers I keep hitching up are a size smaller than I normally wear. Having not seen me for three weeks it was probably more noticeable to her than to my CPN who has seen me weekly. Anyway, she suggested this is a child or young part – the blandness of my diet being her main clue – and that we need to work with that part to see what’s happening. Next week, maybe. I’m not happy with the weight loss – I stay under the eating disorder radar because I am a fair way from skinny – and I’m not happy it has happened so fast.
For now, however, at least I’m eating.