At my appointment with my psych last week I was much less anxious – still using my ‘bring it on’ technique – but not quite ready to be inside the building. So we walked again. And, as we walked – at a much slower pace, and with me feeling pretty relaxed – it brought to mind other times when I have walked and the people I have walked with.
I made more than one reference to my OT because I often walked with her – over a year since she left and I still feel her influence. The problem with mental health, with the way the system works, with attachment, is that once someone leaves they are pretty much gone for good.
Anyway, back to walking. I am very specific about which side of someone I will walk on and my OT would literally shoulder me out the way so she could walk where I wanted to be, attempting to break my habit. It didn’t work. I pointed this out to my psych, mentioning my lack of ‘corner of the eye’ vision and that I walk where I do because I have slightly better vision on one side than the other. The optician always comments that I’m young to have lost my peripheral vision, and I asked my psych whether this is, perhaps, psychological rather than physical. She didn’t know, but it’s something to think about.
My psych also observed that I am much less noticeably hypervigilant than I used to be, although I am as observant as ever – I’m slowly learning how to behave like “normal” people do when they are out and about. This has the advantage of not attracting unwanted attention, I can blend in much more easily. I think this is twofold – on the one hand I have been here for some years now and the people I fear haven’t tracked me down yet, and also by withdrawing from the world due to my nemesis anxiety I have become a little more anonymous in the small town I live in.
It was our last appointment for a while – my psych has two weeks’ leave – and it was a good, if still unconventional, session. Hopefully by the time we meet again I will be literally back in the room and we can continue with more normal appointments.