Last week I took a new attitude towards my anxiety. I actively wanted it to hit so I could ‘sit with it’ and show it and me that I could handle the very worst of it – bring it on and show me what you’ve got, in a sense.
I went out for a walk on Wednesday morning, and although I had a few little wobbles it was nothing major. At my psych appointment on Thursday I wasn’t able to go inside but I was ok for the time I was there.
This morning I set out to walk my borrowed dog for the first time in over a week, and took the same ‘do your worst’ attitude – and I was absolutely fine. We went further than we have for some time, and could have gone further but it was starting to rain. It was good to be out and not be anxious.
So now I’m left feeling a bit stupid – is that all I had to do? What was I so scared of? Whatever it was, it didn’t happen. Is that what made me feel so wretched and miserable and kept me trapped at home? I know there is no miracle cure, I’m not professing to have found one. But it seems I may have found something that works for me, even if it’s only short term – not counting my chickens – and even if it’s also to do with showing my ‘system’ that we’re safe. Tell my anxiety to do its worst, tell my parts that we’re safe, remember to take some down time.
Hopefully, by the time my psych is back from leave – we have an appointment this week and then two weeks off – I might be quite literally back in the room and able to do the work we need to do.