Ideally, I need the part that is causing the anxiety to attend therapy tomorrow. That’s assuming my psych is right and it is a part and not me. This is easier said than done as I have no control over switching at the moment.
Internal agreement is fine, actually achieving a switch before or during therapy is a whole different ball game. I don’t work well when I’m anxious – I am up and pacing, constantly switching focus, distracting. Doing anything and everything to physically stay in the room. I would happily step back and let someone else take control but that doesn’t seem to happen on demand. I wish it did.
My appointment is an hour earlier than normal which might help but equally might not. Tomorrow is also the last day I try my PRN meds before I follow my CPN’s suggestion of a six week break from them. They haven’t been working but I continue to take them in desperation, because I have nothing else.
My goal tomorrow is to turn up. Everything else is entirely optional at the moment. But I have my eyes on the prize, on the end goal of kicking the anxiety into touch so I can function again. I also have an appointment with a psychiatrist in the pipeline to discuss my options when it comes to meds.
I’ve done seven weeks with anxiety now, I can do another six without my PRN meds. Yes, life might be a bit limited. Yes, it will be difficult. But I didn’t sign up for the easy option and I’m nothing if not stubborn.
If I can get through tomorrow’s appointment I can have a week off to work at my own pace and fit in plenty of self care. The finish line may be some distance away but it’s not completely out of reach.
I’m the Jenasaurus, hear me roar