It seems I have a new part in my ‘system’ and it’s very vocal. Or would be, if the others weren’t standing on it. I am learning, slowly, to let them do things their way and not interfere. They won’t let it speak until they have an idea what will be said – it’s safer that way.
This means I can sit back and observe in a way I haven’t been able to do for some time while my ‘system’ debates what to do with the newcomer. There is a definite hierarchy, with me at the top because I’m up front most often in my role as the functioning adult/parent followed by the ones who can talk safely without putting us at risk. Saying too much or saying the wrong thing means getting pushed backwards. Right at the bottom are the dark parts, the black parts, the destructive parts and we all stand on them to keep them under control. They must not be allowed out under any circumstances.
I don’t know where in the hierarchy the new part will fit, and neither does my ‘system’ just yet. It feels safe to me, but it has to be worked out internally and I cannot access that unless I step down from the front which won’t be happening today.
It’s strange to know that I am just another part, here purely to offer a functioning façade until the real me is ready to step up and take over. I’ve been here a long time, it will be odd to not be needed anymore.
I’m learning what my role is, and also the roles of the others. We all have a role, a purpose, a memory. Because we split, we survived. When I came up front it was all pretty relaxed and quiet but I needed to take control, I was the only one who could do it. And I did a good job for eight years, til it all went wrong. But I know there was nothing I could or should have done to prevent it. And I’m still here, still fulfilling my role.
I’ve talked enough, if I’m not careful I’ll be pushed down the hierarchy for saying too much. But it’s been good to post as me the alter rather than me the body.