I could have blogged every day for the last week about anxiety, but it doesn’t deserve the words. I am back to baby steps, to only doing what I can manage, to constantly scanning my surroundings and myself. When I notice I’m not feeling anxious I wonder where it has gone rather than enjoying the respite from it. It is a vicious circle.
I had forgotten, in the five years since it has been this bad, just how limiting anxiety is. I had pushed from my mind the battle to leave the house. Last time I tackled anxiety I was on medication, this time I am going it alone. Last time I tackled anxiety I wasn’t aware of my ‘system’, this time I am doing it as a multiple.
This afternoon I have an appointment with my CPN. The last few weeks I haven’t wanted her in my house – I don’t know why – so my goal for today is to get through the appointment with as little anxiety as possible. My other goal is not to let the appointment play on my mind for the whole day.
I need to get my life back. It wasn’t a hugely exciting life but it was my life and I was happy with it. I neither want nor need this new, anxiety ridden one. So I keep doing what I know to do and hoping it will get easier. It takes time, though, and I am not patient.
I miss long walks with my borrowed dog, I miss seeing friends for coffee, I miss popping into town to get something, I miss being able to attend appointments with my psych and getting something from the session, I miss taking K out.