*may trigger – ED*
Yesterday I started eating again. After almost a week, it was time. I stocked up on ‘grab and eat’ food and whatever tempted me when I did my online shop, little and often being the right way to start. It wasn’t a success.
I went to bed with pain in my back which turned into a band of pain right round my rib cage. This, my brain informed me, was because I had eaten. And, sure enough, once I had made myself sick the pain did ease. It’s so easy to reinforce my faulty thinking.
Today I have pain in the right side of my chest, worse when I breathe in but constantly there. This is also because I ate last night but on top of that is because of the length of time I spent not eating. It is probably muscular.
Later today I have a visit from the Crisis Team (IHTT) and I would normally be making myself presentable – I am still in my pyjamas – and cleaning the house. Instead I am sprawled on the sofa, hiding behind closed curtains. I have things to be doing but no motivation to do them. I no longer care if they judge me.
This isn’t like me. I have no idea how much of this is physical and how much is mental but I don’t like any of it. I am tempted to cancel IHTT but at the same time know I need their input. And at least they can tell me I’m not having a heart attack, right?