Today I have my CPA appointment with my CPN/care coordinator and my psychologist. This takes place roughly once a year and is a chance to look at my care plan, detailing who is doing what and when, and update it as needed. On paper, the CPA is a good thing with input from the people involved in my care and from me but I find them absolutely excruciating.
A lot of the time is spent listening to my psych and CPN talking about me, above me, around me and I find it very difficult to know what to do with what they are saying – compliments make me uncomfortable, criticisms (no matter how slight) can trigger me. I find it hard to engage, to listen, to respond.
This is my second CPA with my CPN so I’m expecting to both give and receive feedback on the last eleven months that I’ve worked with her. I also know that she will be changing her input to fortnightly appointments, and despite knowing this and being prepared it still brings up the thoughts that I must have done something wrong and it upsets me.
I’ve never liked CPA appointments, but the last one with my OT has to be the worst when she announced out of the blue that she was leaving. Since then, I anticipate bad news at every CPA, and after yesterday’s appointment with my psych (see here) I’m still wondering if she’s working to a timetable I’m not aware of – I must remember to ask her about that.
I have an hour or so in which to get myself ready, and I could do with reducing the negative head noise – I was awake til 4am stuck in a cycle of catastrophic thoughts about why my psych mentioned not always being involved in my care (thanks to my Twitter friend Hound for letting me ‘word vomit’ my thoughts at her) – and tiredness just makes the noise worse not just in content and volume but how much I can bear to listen to.
I would much rather stay at home.