Today I had my weekly appointment with my psych and, as always, it threw up some interesting stuff. In the three years I’ve been seeing her I’ve learnt a lot and I can see real, tangible progress in some areas. I’ve worked hard, she’s worked me hard. But there is no time to be complacent – it seems the hard work is yet to come.
It is time, apparently, to work on getting to know my ‘system’ – her word not mine – and all my parts. I need to learn to be compassionate to myself and my parts, I need to give them a voice, to work on internal communication and cooperation. And I don’t mind telling you it scares the shit out of me.
In order to engage with my parts I have to stop standing on and suppressing the black, destructive parts. That, to me, is stupidly dangerous – I have no control of them, they aren’t safe and if I stop standing on them I won’t be safe either. But my psych thinks we can reach a compromise – me, her and the black parts – so that they and therefore I will be safe.
I can think of lots of reasons why this is bad timing – switching to fortnightly appointments with my CPN, the approach of the Easter holidays, the last assignments for my uni module and for my degree. But I can also see that it needs to be done if I want to keep making progress. Which I do.
One thing my psych said was that she won’t be involved in my care forever and internal communication and understanding will help with that. And my mind heard that and wondered, why the rush to do it now, is she leaving, what does she know that I don’t. I’ll be checking that at my CPA – meeting to draw up a new care plan – tomorrow if I get chance.
But for now I need to focus on the 2000 words I need for my penultimate essay. Communication, internal or external, will just have to wait