*TW discussing suicidal ideations and suicide. Please stay safe while reading*
There is information on suicidal thoughts from Mind here.
Suicidal ideations are thoughts of suicide. They may be fleeting, linked to a specific event or trigger, recurring or ever present. They are not just associated with mental illness – 17% of the general UK population have had suicidal thoughts (from patient.co.uk). Some people may attempt or commit suicide, while others may think about it but not act on it. Some will act impulsively, others will have a definite plan. Suicidal ideations are as varied and diverse as the individuals who have them.
I’ve hummed and hawed about doing this post for a while now, but as I’ve said before there is a way back from suicidal thoughts but there is no way back from suicide. It is my firm belief that talking about suicidal ideations and suicide can offer a lifeline to others in the same position. I’ve been there, I hear you. I’ll probably be there again. But for now I’m alive and so are you. The reason I wasn’t sure about doing this post is because people tend to panic – I talk about suicide and they assume I am actively suicidal. Let me be clear.
Yes, I have a plan. I have it worked out to the smallest detail and it’s not the sort of plan you can attempt – I won’t be saved if I decide to see it through. I think about, and fine tune, my plan often. I have had my plan for as long as I can remember. Does that mean I am actively suicidal? No. Does it mean I want to kill myself? No. It just means I have a get out clause, should I ever need it.
I’m not going to go in detail here about my plan, but my team know what it is. They are aware that it is always there, in the back of my mind. They are also aware that if I do ever decide to act on it, I don’t want saving. If my demons beat me, let me go. I know who to ask for help if I need it, if I’m not asking that means I don’t want it.
What I want people to take from this is that it’s ok, kind of, to have a plan. If you decide to act on it, I won’t stop you although I will ask you to wait a minute, an hour, a night, a day, a week. Because, I repeat, there is a way back from suicidal thoughts. There is no way back from suicide.