I realised last night that my black part is stirring again. After a few weeks of relative silence, it is back and I certainly know about it today.
This part, along with my destructive part, is shown on the picture my psych did of my system as being under my feet, of needing to be trampled on to keep them under control. They are made out of all the bad stuff and do not realise we share a physical body – they are unaware that destruction of themselves would also destroy me, that destruction of me would also destroy them.
I should have seen it coming sooner, but I was busy and ignored the signs, ignored the noise. I never learn. Ignoring makes everything worse, everything louder, everything harder.
These parts are wild, vicious, believe everyone and everything is dangerous including me. They view me as I view them – negative, unpredictable, loose cannons, destructive, forceful. I have very little control and must fight to stay present or face the consequences of whatever they decide to do. It is not a fight I always win, one day I may lose completely.
There is nothing I can do but try to make sure I stay in control. Fasten your seatbelts, brace for impact and prepare for a crash landing.