My psychologist was off work last week at short notice, which is always a bit disquieting. I understand that she isn’t well, but my parts think she has left them. I hope she’s feeling better soon, but my parts are more selfish and there is a sense of anger too. What it boils down to is a realisation that I miss her.
Missing someone is a relatively new experience for me, and I’m not quite sure what to do with the feeling. It seems almost wrong to miss my psych, as if I’m crossing a boundary. But I know she would say it’s all about attachment and trust and building a relationship, that’s it’s progress, healthy, normal, natural.
I did offload to my CPN last week in my psych’s absence but it isn’t the same. I don’t mean that in a bad way, my CPN is fab, but they are two very different people who work in two very different ways. Seeing my psych is often hard work, but I generally feel better at the end of a session. I miss being able to talk and not feel the need to explain myself. I miss her energy, which sounds weird but I can’t put it any other way.
Meanwhile, I’m listening to my parts and their belief that she’s left, never to return. That, like everyone else, she has let them down. And sensing an anger from somewhere, a protective sort of anger. It’s not mine. Well, it is, but it isn’t. It isn’t coming from this me.
Hopefully she’ll be back on Thursday, but until then I have my other therapist to talk to. She doesn’t say much but listens without judgement to everything I say. She keeps me safe, she loves me. She’s the best therapist there is, even if she does have four legs