I *think* I’m all ready for tomorrow’s big appointment. Forgive me if I don’t go into too much detail but some things must remain under wraps until tomorrow.
For the first time since it happened I am sitting down with the Crisis Team (IHTT) to discuss the incident that led to them writing some subjective notes that are so far off centre nobody, including professionals, recognises me from their description.
I’ve played my cards very close to my chest on this one, I didn’t send my statement to be included in my notes until yesterday and gave PALS – who set up the appointment but won’t be attending – only the information they needed so IHTT have no idea what approach I am taking with this and won’t have time to prepare their defence. I haven’t discussed it with my psych or my CPN either, only I know what I’m bringing to the table.
Nobody involved in mental health here has ever seen me in ‘professional mode’, to be honest few people do nowadays. Which often makes it all the more impressive when I draw on the person I used to be before my mental illness changed me. It takes a lot of effort to function as I used to, and it’s like putting on clothes that no longer fit – uncomfortable for a short period, impossible for any length of time. It is not a role I like to take on.
IHTT have stated in their notes that I made a ‘serious threat’ to one of their staff. As a service user, and as a single parent, this doesn’t look good. I have been working with various mental health professionals for five years now and have never been considered dangerous, aggressive, violent, threatening. I am not, and hopefully never will be, the sort of person who hits first and asks later. My psych, after three years of working with me, didn’t recognise me from the IHTT notes and my CPN, after seeing me every week for six months, didn’t either.
Tomorrow I get to have my say, to ask that action is taken, to make sure this isn’t happening to anyone else too ill, too vulnerable, too naive, or who simply doesn’t know they can address it themselves. Tomorrow I must draw on everything I have, everything I’ve learnt and everything I am. It won’t be fun, but hopefully it will be successful.
it’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
– Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland