I am supposed to be studying today. I am three chapters and two online activities behind, which equates to roughly four weeks’ work. I have a two part, 2150 word assignment due in nine days time and I’ve barely started.
What I forgot, in my desperation to quiet the voices in my head, is that medication has the ability to take a little bit of me away. While the Lorazepam has hushed the noise slightly, and is undoubtedly helping me to sleep better it has also muted the part of my brain that was still vaguely functional, the part that helped me study despite everything else that was going on.
This is the final module for my honours degree, and while I only need to pass it, I do still need to submit each assignment and, well, pass. I’ve taken my time with my degree – this is my seventh year – and I don’t want to screw it up now. So now I must decide which is more important – staying sane and safe or writing my assignment. As choices go, that’s pretty much a rock and a hard place.
Medicated I’m not myself, not who I normally am but I am more settled which means I am safe and K is safe. No more middle of the night walks which, although hugely beneficial, are also dangerous. No more staying awake til the small hours checking and double checking nobody can get into my house. No more physical pain from attempting to block out the incessant noise. My OCD tendencies have faded which should give me the time and energy to study.
Except I can’t. I read the words on the page and they slip from my grasp, I can retain nothing, cannot form a logical thought process. I have made no notes because the pencil feels alien in my hand, as if I have never used one before. Gone are the parts of me who used to scrawl across my work in an attempt to tell me what they needed, and with them my ability to study.
I need only to get to Thursday and the appointment with my psychologist, but waiting til after that doesn’t give me enough time to complete this assignment. So I must choose, and I must choose soon. Keep taking the medication and fight my way through the pea-souper that has descended on my brain, or stop taking the medication and wait for the noise and the chaos to start again, doing nothing more than hoping I survive unscathed but possibly able to study while the storm hits.
I have no idea which I will choose.