It’s CHRISTMAS! Admit it, you heard Noddy Holder, didn’t you?
Christmas Eve and I’m lying on the sofa in the glow of the fairy lights. Today I made Christmas dinner or me, K and himself and we swapped a few presents. K got her dad some Batman slippers, I got him a book he wanted, he got me a book I wanted and we jointly got K a WiiU. And now himself has gone home, we’re full of food, it’s dark outside and Classic FM are playing carols. Christmas is here.
I’ve had to be me, grown up me, all day – cooking isn’t for child parts – but not too far away I’ve been aware of them getting more and more excited. There are presents under the tree from the people who mean the most to me, for me and for K. It’s all I can do not to jump in and tear off the paper – my parts don’t want to wait any longer!
But there is also a sense that walls are going up, to protect me (them, us) if it turns out to all be a dream, if everything has disappeared in the morning. Because I (we, they) know that really, deep down, I (we, they) don’t deserve Christmas. Christmas is for good boys and girls, for others, not for people like me. Not for the child I was or the adult I have become, not for my parts, not for me then or me now. And yet, the presents are still there. I can see them, I can reach out and touch them. Maybe this year really will be different.
When I was out shopping I bought something on a whim for my child parts and wrapped it up to be opened at some point tomorrow. It’s nothing exciting, just a colouring book and some pens, but this is the first time I’ve consciously bought them anything. Hopefully someone will like it – it feels as if they will. It’s so noisy in my head, but good noisy for once – excited chatter and much speculation over what could be in the parcels.
All I need to do is stay present tonight and tomorrow – K is with himself for Boxing Day so I can take time then to regroup if I need to. Hopefully Christmas will still be here when I wake up tomorrow, and hopefully my family and friends will like their presents from me and K – I’m just as excited about giving as I am about receiving.
If you’re struggling over the festive season, reach out to family and friends or an online community or social network, find out who you can contact if you need professional support. And check out this link from Mind with tips to help you, especially if you’re feeling lonely.