The time before an appointment is like being in limbo. I’m ready, the house is ready, and now I wait. It’s the same with all appointments, but especially when someone is coming to my house – I can catastrophise with the best.
Today I (we – K is at home) anticipate the arrival of my CPN in about an hour. I’ve been counting down since I got up at 9.30am, making sure everything is done. Now I wait. And my mind runs away without me – what if……
What if she has an accident on the way to me? When would I find out, would she be ok, why wasn’t I there to help. The possibilities are endless, I’ve seen the way some people drive.
What if she’s forgotten? Unlikely, but it’s happened before with someone else and by the time it’s late enough to think she’s forgotten there will be nobody to ring. This is why I shouldn’t book late appointments.
What if she doesn’t want to come? This is a big one, I mean why wouldn’t she want to come – it’s her job and I’m not a bad person and I know she likes to see K. But she might decide she doesn’t like me, or I’m not safe, or it’s too much work to put me back together after the presents from my biological mother arrived yesterday, or it’s too near Christmas and she just wants to be at home.
I’m exactly the same before appointments with my psychologist too – what if she’s had an accident on the way to work, or is unwell and nobody told me, or is needed elsewhere, or just doesn’t want to see me.
You’d think my team constantly let me down the way my mind works. And they haven’t, not my current team, they’re always where they say they’ll be. It’s just my catastrophic thinking. It’s just my catastrophic thinking. It’s just my……nope, it’s not working, it never does.
But she’ll be here soon – hopefully – and then the noise in my head will calm down and I won’t have to listen to all the reasons why she won’t come. Most of which, if I believe the voices of my parts, are my fault.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to do my grounding and attempt to get a leash on the head noise and the thoughts.